Thoughts on Ambition
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I've been thinking about the concept of ambition lately, as a concept. How it might bother me, what that means about me as a person.
It kinda feels odd (for me, at least) to not have any goals in life. Not having anything to work toward, not having any thing you feel important enough to dedicate time and effort into. I can't imagine not having anything desirable or interesting in working toward besides to just "exist." It seems no way to live at all. Being surrounded by people that don't have any ambitions in life makes me feel even more unmotivated for some odd reason, and I'm not comfortable with it as I thought I was.
For instance, I want to figure out my career path. I feel stagnant right there, and I want to make a true career for myself. I want to earn more money than I currently do. I want to learn more, and keep learning! I want to read new information, add to my tool belt, keep learning and growing as a person. I don't want to be stagnant and drift through life, existing just because I have to and never being truly happy with how my life is panning out. I genuinely can't see myself as someone who floats through life, shrugging their shoulders, avoiding any challenges. Heck, I don't feel comfortable not finding something to challenge myself with, even if it's small. How do I cook that new food? What more can I learn about yarn? Is there a place in town I haven't tried yet?
It feels like learned helplessness, and I totally get it. The economy sucks. Everything feels bleak. Nothing feels good, everything is unaffordable, it's uncomfortable to want to challenge yourself in these situations. I don't fault anyone for just wanting to survive. But I want something more for myself, not just kicking back and going "welp, that's how life is." I want people to surround me that have ambitions, people that have a goal and keep working toward it, feel driven to do better and improve and change their lives and selves little by little each day. I've always been surrounded by people who just exist and survive, and it feels a bit frustrating to feel like the only person who wants to challenge how my life is and to make it even better. I don't love how my life is, but I don't hate it, either. It's just...okay, I guess. My head is above water. Nothing is on fire.
Even with all of that said, I want to know what it's like to find a challenge, shake my head, and refuse to accept that that's all my life is going to be like - just a "wait and see" event. I want to be proud of myself for overcoming things, for achieving things I want to do by working hard toward it, networking with people that cheer me on.
I want to find more people that are driven in life, but how? Where? People remark that I'm pretty alright at socializing, but I fumble a lot of social situations where I want to meet someone. I'm awkward, I get super anxious, and quite frankly I get overstimulated trying to mask just in case the walls don't need to come down just yet. Not to mention that I'm autistic, so that's definitely playing against me.
Am I just yelling into the void? How the heck do I meet ambitious people? Because trust me, I want to meet them. I want to BE them. But...how?
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