Grief
[tw: mentions of suicide & self-harm]
A few days ago, Friday, my uncle passed away. Specifically, he took his own life with a gun he owned. My grandpa went to check in on him and found the aftermath, I was told that it was quick and at least he didn't suffer. I was also told that he was very depressed and lonely, mainly because of a few factors - his health, which he kept having problems with every few weeks; his child, who wouldn't visit him but would fly around the country quite frequently; alcoholism, to cope with said issues; and much more I'm sure, but I'll never know. We weren't particularly close, but he didn't deserve to feel that way. I can imagine that he felt like a burden to everyone, having to cart him from the hospital to the nursing home to home again and repeat the cycle when something inevitably happened.
The moment I was told the news haunts me. Both because of the method he used, which I regrettably couldn't help but visualize, and because I've been in that mental space various times throughout my life. Being chronically depressed among a slew of other issues is awful, but having chronic and constant health issues on top of it may very well have pushed me over the edge if I was in his position. And I think that thought scares me. I could have been in that position and actually gone through with things. I have tried several times myself, because I was so depressed that nothing felt like it would ever get better, and everything kept happening and there was no end to my suffering in sight. Especially feeling so lonesome that I have no way to escape or find reprieve of it? It sounds like a special kind of hell.
I wasn't able to sleep Friday night, and Saturday I got a few winks of sleep, but ultimately when my emotions started to crash down around me, I cried pretty hard after midnight came and went. 1:30AM was when it happened. I let myself feel things, I didn't really care what time it was, I figured I'd just nap if I was tired enough after waking up. I had a few plans, sure, but they were negotiable. It felt good, but so, so alone. I almost woke up my roommate to ask for a long hug and to just cry it out, but I felt bad at the thought of waking him up just to console me. I know deep down he wouldn't have minded, but the what if kept haunting me. So I just laid there, cried for an hour or so, and eventually tired myself out and fell asleep. (Pro tip: if you ever do this, don't. Just seek someone out, get that hug. It feels a lot better when you don't guilt yourself into isolation.)
I know this next part is a bit selfish of me to say, but I feel it important to get off my chest. For context:
- I live quite a ways away from my family.
- At least 5 hours one way by car, not counting any rest stops for bathroom breaks or food.
- I'm also AuDHD, so my mental capacity and spoons for doing these outings is incredibly limited as it is. Every time I go see my family, it ends up being chaos every single time, and I'm exhausted and burnt out for weeks due to the overstimulation. It's awful, so I try to make my trips count and just deal with the consequences afterward, because I love my family and want to see them where I can, even if they don't really bother to come visit me. It's...fine, I guess, I'm used to nobody visiting me. (At least they stopped telling me they'll visit me "soon," because we both knew that wasn't really happening, sad as it is to say.)
- The expectation is typically set that I should visit whenever I am invited or asked. I don't ask anyone to visit me, since they say I'm too far away or suddenly something comes up and they can't, or insert reason here.
Knowing all this, let me tell you that while I'm still reeling from the news and processing and beginning the grieving process, I was informed just today (Sunday, two days after the news broke) that the services are going to be this week. As in, Wednesday and Thursday. A few days. Cue panic attack.
I have someone flying in from across the country to visit me for a few days. We're also going to a concert a few hours away as well together. Not only will the concert be labelled as "the concert I went to right after my uncle took his own life," but also the entire trip will have that context hanging over it. The rental car is nonrefundable, the plane tickets and concert tickets are nonrefundable, I can't afford to just flush away almost a thousand dollars in expenses. I also just don't have the spoons to drive that much. My family doesn't necessarily understand Autism, and I think they get annoyed every time I bring it up, but it's important to me and it's who I am, so it's not my problem if they refuse to understand it or listen. I can't abandon my friend at the airport, I can't change the trip details because his work PTO is not able to be changed, I can't change the rental car details and I can't afford to rent it out for longer, and I won't be able to drive multiple hours each day to make it work. I'll be burnt out for months.
My family loves to gossip and spread rumors, and at this point, I'll just have to ignore them and let them talk. I can't control their disrespectful behavior, lord knows they also talk about everyone else instead of directly talking to the source to clear rumors up, but it's not my job to. Let them be like that. It's not my fault that I have to set boundaries and protect my own peace. I will not apologize for that.
I just hate knowing that they'll talk about me behind my back, make up stuff, maybe even mock my Autism. I wish my brain would work better, I wish I had more spoons and energy to do things where it counted, I wish I didn't have to live like this and then deal with people being upset that I can't make a long trip at the drop of a hat. Believe me, I do. I just don't think they believe me.
I don't really know what to do, but after speaking with various trusted people, I've been told not to worry. My uncle would understand if I couldn't make it, and my grandparents do understand especially since it's such short notice and the monetary issue as well. My roommate and friend have told me not to do it, because they know my limits and encourage me to stay within them. Just having my friend visit is enough to drain me and burn me out, plus a concert, driving to a different city to make everything happen...it'll be a lot for me. So I'll trust the people close to me and stand my ground.
I know people don't like it when I prioritize myself for a change, but unfortunately, therapy taught me some pretty good assertiveness. If my family wasn't allergic to going to therapy or taking mental health seriously, they might find out it's pretty darn cool.
For now, I'm going to talk to my grandparents more and be there for them, check in more. Maybe once or twice a week minimum. Send them letters and pictures of my cat and crochet projects. I don't want anyone in my life to feel as lonely as my uncle must have. I don't want anyone to feel as lonely as I have in my worst moments. Maybe I'll figure out my own way of celebrating my uncle, so I can still send him off, albeit unofficially. He's going to be cremated, and funerals are for the living, so I'd like to think that he'd be okay with someone thinking about him and sending their thoughts and well wishes to him.
It just sucks that he had to pass away for people to think of him, to show they care as much as they do.
I hope he's in a much better place, and without suffering anymore. I'm sad I didn't get to learn much about him, and that we'll likely never have conversations about him. I don't know how much people know about him, but I intend to ask around to try to find out.
We love you, and we miss you. We're sorry we didn't do enough for you to feel that life was worth holding onto. Take care up there, wherever you are. I hope you're kept in good company until we see you again. Rest in peace.
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