Sick, Motivated, Tired
Life has been throwing a lot of things at me, and it's hard to figure out just exactly what I can do about any of it, if it's even possible. I've had a lot going on behind the scenes, so this is a bit of a yapfest, but hey, such is life!
For starters, I had some...falling out with someone super close to me. We're fine, recovering I think, but we're nowhere near as close as we used to be. And it kinda hurts, give we were inseparable for so long. I guess after a while, the shine wore off, communication broke down, trust was massively devastated in multiple heavy hits that I'm not going to go into...it's a lot for one person to process. While it was healthy for us to back away from whatever we were heading towards, it still hurt a lot to have to make that call like it all wasn't worth fighting for. Truthfully, it was worth fighting for, to me. I just couldn't suss out that same feeling from their end, no matter how much I investigated or tried. Maybe I was too invested, maybe my wants and needs were overwhelming, maybe the shattered trust and refusal to communicate until it was way too late didn't help, maybe maybe maybe... I'll never really know. While I hope we can get back to where we were before, at this point, I'm not sure what we can even do. It doesn't really sit right with me that I might have been way more invested in things working out.
But!! Onto the funner things.
I've been crocheting up a storm. I have a surprise for my friend cooking in the background, I won't post pictures of it so I don't spoil them, but it's my first tapestry and I'm SO excited! I'm making it with the mosaic overlay style so it's extra crisp and I can't wait to surprise them with it. We're going to Furry Migration together, and that's about in 2ish weeks give or take, so this is a mad dash to get it done and blocked and prettied up!! Panic!!
I'm also working on a few other side projects. My cat's "baby blankie" is a 12-sided star pattern from Bella Coco, and he's horked up on it twice so I hesitate to work on it if he'll just hork on it again. But it's soft and he loves it, and it's made with Caron Cotton Cakes which are sooo pretty and nice, so I'll probably work on it once my other projects are out of the way. Beyond that, I'm pattern testing a skirt/poncho for Under Your Skein (my first pattern test, I'm nervous but it's going along well despite dragging me through hell and back!! filet crochet is no joke!), and trying to see if I can make a Luffy amigurumi for my friend I'm gifting the tapestry to. We'll see, though. I'm only one small bean and it's HARD to get all these projects done as time seems to speed up the closer the deadlines get!
I'm more motivated than ever to work on building up Paper Constellations as a "brand" / business and to sell crocheted goods that I make, and maybe some stationery and stickers and the like as well? I've recently found I have an interest in clay - both ceramics and polymer! The craft store didn't have a pasta machine though, so I picked up some other supplies today to tide me over in the meantime. I think a bunch of clay fish would be really cute to play with, make an aquarium, heck, make a little mobile or combine them with a tapestry...the sky's the limit, and I'm excited to see where it takes me! I've always kinda dreamed of touring around the country (or world) and selling as an artist at different conventions and markets, so maybe this is a good sign?? I'm nervous about jumping into it full-time though, I probably won't for a long long time, because I can't handle the instability of possibly losing traffic/customers when times get tough, or burning out, or not having insurance due to no income or some disaster happening. I need to put my health and mental wellness first and foremost. But, maybe a few risks won't hurt, either? I'd like to know what it's like to chase my dreams after 3 decades of not ever doing so (or being encouraged to!).
On that note, I also dream of moving into a home that doesn't completely suck or feel cramped! My current home is super small, and I'd love to upgrade to somewhere with more space - maybe if I luck out, I can have a basement all to myself for a creative studio, or even just a dedicated office space? That sounds like such a dream. Problem is, I've looked everywhere, and it seems that the only listings I can find are for scams or shady rental companies that don't have great practices or landlords that kinda suck or seem really sketchy. Or just homes that are practically falling apart, don't have A/C or central air included, and would drive me insane. So I'm forced to bide my time and save up for now. I'm hoping I get to move by next year. Maybe if business takes off before 2027 I can afford it! Maybe! Hopefully?
I'm going to work on another post tomorrow, maybe brush up my socials, do some web work. Maybe play with some more clay if I'm feeling silly. I do have to de-clutter my home, I want to come back from Furry Migration to a nice clean home. Thinking about renting a storage unit so at the very least, I have more space to live in and exist in until I'm able to move. It just depends on how much money that'll squeeze me for, since I'm not made of money, and I'm already really tired of subscriptions trying to wring me of every cent I have.
I have my yearly performance evaluation tomorrow, and I can guarantee you that it's not going to be fun or favorable since the company seems to hate me and not notice anything that I do, so that'll be...fun to have weighing on my mind. Pray for me, lol.
'til next time!
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